Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
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You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Pro tip for my good boys out there
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
🖤✌🏽
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.