Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
You Might Also Like
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Day 2 of my diet
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Did we do it, did we save the daylight
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by