“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
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The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
getting seasonal up in here
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”