“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
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[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Very good! 👍😂
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
Hunting for buried treasure but it’s just me cleaning underneath my couches
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
BETRAYAL
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.