“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
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Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
🔦🌙👣
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
How do you milk an almond?
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.