“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
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[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
When you’re Kinky but poor
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I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!