“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
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A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Boom, boom, ching!
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time