Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂