“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
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Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
As a doctor, I can confirm
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
reduce, reuse, recycle
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Going to church you guys need anything