“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
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if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.