@fro_vo

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

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@iwearaonesie

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

@andlikelaura

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

@Mr_Kapowski

If you’re ever lost in the woods, try to find a bear to kill.

Their claws will provide four sweet breakfast pastries.

@Lhlodder

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

@BigJDubz

Hey, John Wick, I heard the coronavirus saying bad things about your dog

@trevso_electric

One day we will look back at the criminalization of marijuana and laugh because we will be so high.

@thedadvocate01

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

@bazecraze

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

@SemFitty

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*