“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
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Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*