toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
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cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
If you’re ever lost in the woods, try to find a bear to kill.
Their claws will provide four sweet breakfast pastries.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Hey, John Wick, I heard the coronavirus saying bad things about your dog
One day we will look back at the criminalization of marijuana and laugh because we will be so high.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*