“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
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I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.