Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
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“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
what the hell girl, sure
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Is this anything
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.