Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
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“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
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“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
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“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅Just ticking off my bucket list.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.