Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”

Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself

the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.

he taught us drama alright.

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

Fights fire with marshmallows

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.