Ooops wrong house馃槀馃槣
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me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan鈥攊鈥檓 very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
She was REALLY feeling it.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it鈥檚 kind of a lawn story
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
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ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don鈥檛 remember
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn鈥檛 easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Tell me you get it…馃ぃ
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It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar