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“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.