Ooops wrong housešš
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Open your mindā¦
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now Iām by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. š
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I changed my hubbyās name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text āhimā
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
New-to-school parent: I havenāt heard that ā was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I donāt know, donāt read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighborās sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? whatās up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? whyās he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, weāre eating dinner. no, i didnāt know norman fell was in oceanās 11
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the coversā¦slid off the end of the bedā¦and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
me: i donāt know what to order
waiter: the chefās special?
me: Iām sure he is
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Motherās Insulting Banana Offer
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My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
If youāve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. š© š©š©š©š©š©
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
(loudly in my apartment in case thereās a murderer here) I love murderers
I thought Iād buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I donāt know which ones Iāll pick them out when i get to the register
I told my husband that one of the kids isnāt his. Heās not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofaā¦
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
My EX sent me a text today saying āHappy Anniversaryā I replied, best one yet.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, Iām Nancy!
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes Iām not his wife.We broke it offā¦Single again
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things āchocolateā if I canāt eat them. Thank you.
How does one answer this?
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