Ooops wrong house😂😜
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Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
That’s easy for you to say
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!