Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no

I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/D0b3OTjVsAAAdx6.mp4

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

Me irl

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.