Ooops wrong house馃槀馃槣
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typical orange cat and void cat behavior
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
If you think there鈥檚 nothing better than sex, you鈥檝e never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
You鈥檇 think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I鈥檓 here to tell you kids, it does not.
This joke is 7 years old
If you鈥檝e ever wanted to change up your name, now鈥檚 the time. New name, add a name, doesn鈥檛 matter. When you go back to work, it鈥檒l be all Yeah, Tom, I鈥檓 pretty sure my last name鈥檚 always been Twizzlers.
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
[commenting under wife鈥檚 facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son鈥檚 bday party] do we have any mustard?
Lmao
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Me: got my food and now I鈥檒l just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it鈥檚 electric.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don鈥檛 even turn the stove burner on in the first place