Oops
You Might Also Like
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Company at my house: Do you have a bathroom?
My Mind: No we shit in the yard
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it