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*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on