Oops 🤭
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Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I have written yet another poem about laundry
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Effort made
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.