Oops 🤭
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BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
happy valentine’s day to me
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Florida man
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
What a chick magnet..
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly