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Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Mission: Impossible
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.