Oops 🤭
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Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Challenge accepted.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok