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“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
#TopTip
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time