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Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)