Oops 🤭
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Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
how long have you had this for?
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy