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Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet