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You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
How do you milk an almond?
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not