Danger is my middle name. nnFirst name: AvoidsnLast name: Completely
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
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Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
In case of emergency, run faster than everyone else.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
At my funeral, I want the organist to start playing “Pop Goes the Weasel” really slowly, until everyone is staring at the coffin in dread
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Black Friday through the years:
2013: Thursday 8pm
2020: 4th of July
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?