Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
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Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.