Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
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[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I think about this cartoon a lot.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER