Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

shit, they caught us—run!!!

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

Them: You should try keto
Me:

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

The only time I’ll care about Basketball:

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.

Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?

Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.

#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.