Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
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I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
“Sheer Arrogance”
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
As per my previous tablet…
