Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
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Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?