Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?

Because they’re spoiled

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator

In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

weaknesses

I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.