Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
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“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.