Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
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BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.