Oops I deleted….
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quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Thinking of taking Easter decorations down
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
Me when I’m making a big pot of soup: haha fuck yeah!! Yes!!
Me when I have to clean the big pot I used to make the soup: well this f***ing sucks. What the f**k
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem