Oops 🤭
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me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.