Oops 🤭
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When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.