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surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
The Weeknd is back
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.