OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
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therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought