Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
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You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Only short people can save us
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.