Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
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(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is