Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
You Might Also Like
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”