“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
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The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
This is why I hate group projects
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …