“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
You Might Also Like
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.