Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
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The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas