Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
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I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
No flush
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds