Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
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Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
New mindset, who dis?
is this meant to deter me
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.