Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
You Might Also Like
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil