Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
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Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments