“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
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DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Chicken bread
I think about this cartoon a lot.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up