“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
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Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Gotta say whoever invented the potato nailed it and should be trusted to invent more stuff
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me