“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
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Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Oops
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault