“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
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In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
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Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
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I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.