Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?

Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”

NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

Who does Amazon think I am?

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

Good for him.

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”