*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
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If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
linkedin the good parts
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.