Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]

Me: GET A JOB!!

Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby

Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”

– The Swiss Army

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

Thursday

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week