Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
You Might Also Like
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
She sent me a text saying she wearing something special for me…
but every time I ask her what, she says ~ Nothing.
For every chick that’s crying about no good guys out there…there’s a dude she’s ignoring that’s good to her.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
*bursts into room
Me: GUYS! GUYS! I FOUND A UNICORN
Guys: Yeah sure,show us then!
*holds up single kernel of corn
*gets violently beaten
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.