@ch000ch

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

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@KentWGraham

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

@UncleDuke1969

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

@naazihah

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

@mrtruthandsoul

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

@UnFitz

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

@louisvirtel

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

@bingowings14

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

@TheToddWilliams

[mosquitoes]

MORT: I think I’m a vampire

MARV: We all love blood, Mort

MORT: But I can’t see myself in this mirror

MARV: That’s a leaf