OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
You Might Also Like
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Social distancing in Australia: