@ch000ch

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

You Might Also Like

@CovertAgentP

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

@Deurb1

She sent me a text saying she wearing something special for me…
but every time I ask her what, she says ~ Nothing.

@BBQJones28

For every chick that’s crying about no good guys out there…there’s a dude she’s ignoring that’s good to her.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

@Angibangie

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

@LMHPhotog

*bursts into room

Me: GUYS! GUYS! I FOUND A UNICORN

Guys: Yeah sure,show us then!

*holds up single kernel of corn

*gets violently beaten

@girlontapas

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

@TheBoydP

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.