Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

girls literally only want one thing..

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today