“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
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Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Proctology is located in A55
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
