I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
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Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
saying “u should smile more”
-she wont like it
-will not make her smile
saying “lemme see ur mouth bones”
-she also will not like it probably
-nope she definitely wont
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
Waiter: Your coffee
Me: Could I have a little spoon please?
*delicately embraces me from behind*
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.