“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
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If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
We have a winner.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
the world’s most popular steaming services
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.