“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
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No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.