Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
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I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.