“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
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The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
It kinda feels like this rn
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Hell yeah 👍
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?
Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.
*7yo walks off*
Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back