Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”

According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”