Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

My dad teaching me to drive

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids

Me: it’ll be me

5yo: eh, probably not

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?