Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
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Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said