Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.

[first mma fight]

me: Pikachu I choose you!

Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle

me: *throws rat taped to a taser*

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

Well, this is awkward

i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

Me too

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.