Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
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My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
O Wise One….
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors