Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
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if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
My life in a nutshell
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.